Stone.

I’ve been stone since 14.

Probably earlier but these are the earliest memories I have of it. Pushing friend groups away, the start of my drinking, the beginning of my avoidance of feelings and love. I went through heartless years until I thought I found the one. My stone turned to a flower.

I was a flower for about a year. I was swallowed by darkness, into a whirlwind of a narcissist. I was brought to my knees, my petals stripped. I felt love, and my love was spat back into my face in the form of hateful words and cold shoulders. Cold shoulders that were followed by fiery passion. Hot, cold, hot, cold, hot, cold. Followed by me hitting the floor. Rock bottom, I assumed.

My flower turned to stone. A year later, after battling anxiety, depression, and an eating disorder, the stone stood in front of my chest and protected me from anything and everything. Or so I thought. A few darker things happened, the stone was chipped at, some sunlight shone through, met by the carelessness of men once again.

So, the stone remained. Sheltering my heart but also my mind. It allowed me to live in this capsule of anxiety, regret, and pure anguish. Occasionally allowing beautiful words spill onto paper, sometimes my heart would relax and I’d meditate. The stone stood guard.

I refuse to be swallowed into darkness. Not really an issue but sometimes I get confused between darkness and light. Somewhere the communication gets fuzzy and I’m unwilling to allow for an explanation. I don’t like to regret decisions about ending relationships but I often do. I think, what if I wouldn’t have jumped to that conclusion, maybe I should’ve listened, etc etc etc.

Truth is, I have no idea what life holds, if I’ll be alone forever or if I’ll find the perfect one right around the corner. I know I’ve got shit, so much, to figure out. I’ve got hidden torture going on inside, hidden behind the stone. True feeling will come rushing to the forefront, and shit I might not know how to deal.

Surround yourself with people who get it.

I’m working on that, for the moment the stone moves and it all flows out.